Feedback on second script

After having finished the second script, some feedback was received on it.

During a Skype conversation with Jordan Jarvis, executive director at Young Professionals Chronic Disease Network (YPCDN), it was mentioned that the humanity gets lost in these conferences. Most of the time the personal impact of the policies is not understood or seen. Therefore she liked the direcetion the script is going to. The personal story of what WHO’s policies could do is great approach and it is definitely on the right track.

Jordan send the script to Erin Little, founder of Sucre Blue which is an organization that aims to bring access and affordability to chronic disease treatment and prevention around the world. She kindly gave feedback on it. She started of that she liked it and had some remarks on it. In the beginning of the story the following is said:

“Something is not entirely right with me at the moment. I won’t go into much details, but I have a little bit of a problem with my… Let’s say what goes in, doesn’t come out the way it usually does.”

Erin mentioned that this may not be very clear to those speaking English and it may be confusing. Anything involving nuance jokes may not make sense to a more general audience versus a primarily Western one. She said that perhaps if the joke could be edited to be more direct it would come across more clearly. She also wondered where the call to action was in the story. The scene drops of very sudden, which could be done a little smoother with some sort of call to action so that there might be a next step for the audience after seeing this video.
Claudia Tellegen, my graduation coach, mentioned something more practical that was overlooked. Perhaps some more actions could be added so the viewer gets to know the location a bit better and it would make the video less static. By walking out of the location I could create a couple of “cut-moments”, where I could cut the video to not have the video be one complete take. This would make it easier to make.
With this feedback, the script can be improved to fit the audience it will be shown to more.

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